We are all dead

I can't for the moment stop crying for the loss of a man that was not so always nice to me but was human nonetheless. He was flawed but with good intentions, like me in my skin. And today will mark the 4th day in a row that he is no longer with us. I am lost for his children, lost for the words that will comfort their souls. I am lost for the hugs that will hold in their tears. I am lost for the forgiveness that they will regret holding onto the rest of their adult lives. No one should be in this moment without a backup plan. Yet, we are here. They stand on that side of the room and I stand in the middle and the man, the man that they are no longer related to stands nowhere. He is dead. I know that outsiders will think that we are lucky to be alive, to be healthy with our bodies functioning and our issues tangled up in dysfunction. We should be thankful that we are among the living, confused as you and hungry as the curious. Thankful is the word of the moment, regret is the motion of the hour and scorned is the taste of the air. Who are you to say that about us, the children without and me, a woman lost. A man is dead. We don't need to be thankful of our lives here on earth, not then not now. Gratitude comes in all colors and smells, we are not obligated to justify for you what appears sierra tan but smells like death. Although we walk among the full of life we too are lifeless inside. It's inevitable that we may just fall apart not for the moment but for eternity. I am unable to separate myself from his children, I am unable to detach their loss from my vision. I am unable to release their moment from me. I think we should all mourn and cry and yell and beg for him to come back to us...father or not, real or fake, alive or barely living, hopeful or diminished, angry or comatose. It doesn't matter at this point, we have made our choice and it's not pretty. Some of us will move slowly through this shitty world, some of us will stop and drop right where they stand, and I will remember that I can't for one goddamn moment quit the crying. Whose to say we are lucky for being the live ones.