His face remained the same; blue eyes, pink lips, blond eyelashes and a killer smile that melted my every desire of lust together with heavy longing for another spot in this lifetime. He is burned on my brain. I however, look nothing the same for him as he remained for me. I make no apologies but I'm sure the 18 year old heart throb in him is slightly disappointed that the little feisty Mexican girl with the banging body and sweaty kisses is now the all grown up 30 something with false hope and dry kisses. I know I am. Que sera sera!
I cried when I saw his manly face staring back at me with hope and excitement and anticipation from another time but translated into this time. I held out my arms so that he could catch me because I was barely hanging on. He reciprocates this well. He is old enough today to pay attention to the silent actions of a woman. I am digging this bit about him and soon I will direct him to my love. But for now, he is standing with open arms for me only me and me alone. I run into him like a clumsy girl tripping over the carpet at a whorehouse. He doesn't notice that the innocence is lost on me. He only sees me and my chest heaving for him and my white perfect teeth hungry for him and soon he will give it to my temptations. Until that moment, I will hug him for dear life while I thank the Lord above for placing my naked body underneath his when we were teenagers and calling that a 'first time'. He digs into my back as if he is afraid to let go of me for the fear of falling into cold ocean water and losing me forever will kill his fragile heart. I don't object. I am good to get lost in this moment. Between the seventeen years from ago and now, this moment is all I have of him. I will refuse to give it to anyone else other than him and I. Somehow I forget that we are not alone and a crowd of familiar faces are watching me as I gently smell his shirt in between sighs of relief for coming this far successfully. With every inhale I am slowly reminded of who he is, mine. I can feel the buzz slowly rush out of me and I must stand up tall like a good and honest woman, step away from him and attend to the needs of those I dragged with me to visit him in the jungle. They are staring at me like I have behaved inappropriately. I don't care for judgement however, I am their Cruise Director. My responsibilities extend beyond HIM.
It's now time for walking through the ocean water with our shorts rolled up and our hearts on our sleeves. Finally, I have one-on-one time with him. The rest of the group has swam away hopefully to drown quietly while I walk barefoot in 2 feet deep water staring at his face, his hair, his smile, his backside, his curiosity of who I have become and who I am now standing before his piercing eyes. The buzz is definitely wearing off. But the adrenaline is strong and high, I inhale one more puff before I say to him, "Are you happy?" He has once again placed his eyes back on me and I can feel his heart throbbing from here, 2 steps away from him. He smiles at me like I am the one who makes him happy but...I'm not. She does and if he mentions her in his answer I will swim into the ocean to never return. I am incapable of rejection at this fine moment. Instead he opens his pink mouth to say to me, "Happy is an illusion and I am fine with living in deception. Do you hear that? Those are howler monkeys...they know you are here." I can't stand still not because I am elated with his scent all over me but because I am drunk. This is not how I wished to meet him for the first time with our clothes on but one drink of liquid courage turned into several and then the ferry boat swept me away. I am drunk but perfect to remember this walk, this conversation forever. "I appreciate that. Personally, I much prefer to live in world of fallacy myself. I do hear the monkeys, they don't bite do they?" He laughs at me, his 18 year old self is laughing at me. I miss him. "Tu shay! Mi Carin, Tu shay!" If I place my hand out to him for holding I will no longer be in control but on his level instead. My hands are trembling.
Dinner has come and gone flawlessly. Everyone returned to their roles and are seated at the table for more drinks and more meaningless conversation. I am here for one thing: Him. I can't stare hard enough because his facial expressions are lost on me. He opens up his mouth and all I hear are these words, "Will you please? Take it from me? I trust no one to have this part of me...will ya?" I blink from seventeen years ago and continue to pretend to care about the last seventeen seconds ago. I can't promise him, or me or her that I can keep up with the charade but I will try my best. My eyes are glazing over the table all I can see are fingers on beer bottles, forks on empty plates, candles lit, uneaten food pushed to one side and bowls with nothing in them but salad dressing residue. He is seated across from me. No one including God and Mother Nature will allow he and I to be seated next to one another. This kind of force makes me want to stand up and yell, "You can't keep us a part. He was inside me for crying out loud! Move over dammit! I must resume the position!" Instead I say this, "I should go to bed. I am...tired?" Being something else for someone is exhausting and I have many more days to continue doing so. He isn't the only one I am here for, there are many others who need my delusion in order to survive this trip. I'm told that it's only 6:00 pm. Could I try to hang for say, another 45 minutes or so? I can I agree. First, I will need another drink to hold me up. Words of all kinds are being tossed in the air, everyone but me is talking and laughing and sipping and singing the praises of life. I am stuck on him but not once do I dare sneak a peek. She has joined us and I now must become her, that woman seperate from the 18 yr old girl. I keep to myself. I am seated in that white plastic chair, there were green ones but I broke one with my childish behavior and fat ass earlier, I am not sitting in white only. I am seated with my hands grapsed around my beer bottle, my hair swaying in the air with the wind, my feet bare of shoes, my dress white of summer, and my thoughts retrieving from that night in the woods long ago. Twice, I believe we did it twice. However, I can't for the life of me remember what his skin smelled like or what his kisses tasted like or even better what promises his penis made to my vagina as it sweet talked it's way in. I miss him then and there is nothing to blame. As my mind walks away from this memory I manage to look up and find his blue eyes staring at my dark, dark brown ones. We have made contact, he and I. He is seated back with his hands above his head folded behind him, red is the color of his shirt and he is staring at me with the same curiosity I have been avoiding staring at him with. I may be drunk but I know my heart and it tells me this, "You both are thinking the same nasty, dirty thought from that evening in the woods at the very same time. It's a sign, not a good one but a sign nonetheless." My body is trembling with dissatisfaction. Why do I have to be her wanting one more brief naked hungry passionate moment with him! My gut hurts. I am breathing heavy and some of the people from the group are looking oddly at me. Dissapproving and judging looks are being thrown my way again. I swallow hard and consistently so not to give myself away all at once. I want what I can't have but already had...HIM. My beer bottle is empty, his smile has faded, her observation is dumbfounded, everyone is speaking loudly to drown out the obvious for my sake and I am..."Yes, tired is what I am. Good night everyone and thank you, for inviting me." He doesn't move as I walk past him but he nods approvingly instead. We are done with this conversation.
I cried when I saw his manly face staring back at me with hope and excitement and anticipation from another time but translated into this time. I held out my arms so that he could catch me because I was barely hanging on. He reciprocates this well. He is old enough today to pay attention to the silent actions of a woman. I am digging this bit about him and soon I will direct him to my love. But for now, he is standing with open arms for me only me and me alone. I run into him like a clumsy girl tripping over the carpet at a whorehouse. He doesn't notice that the innocence is lost on me. He only sees me and my chest heaving for him and my white perfect teeth hungry for him and soon he will give it to my temptations. Until that moment, I will hug him for dear life while I thank the Lord above for placing my naked body underneath his when we were teenagers and calling that a 'first time'. He digs into my back as if he is afraid to let go of me for the fear of falling into cold ocean water and losing me forever will kill his fragile heart. I don't object. I am good to get lost in this moment. Between the seventeen years from ago and now, this moment is all I have of him. I will refuse to give it to anyone else other than him and I. Somehow I forget that we are not alone and a crowd of familiar faces are watching me as I gently smell his shirt in between sighs of relief for coming this far successfully. With every inhale I am slowly reminded of who he is, mine. I can feel the buzz slowly rush out of me and I must stand up tall like a good and honest woman, step away from him and attend to the needs of those I dragged with me to visit him in the jungle. They are staring at me like I have behaved inappropriately. I don't care for judgement however, I am their Cruise Director. My responsibilities extend beyond HIM.
It's now time for walking through the ocean water with our shorts rolled up and our hearts on our sleeves. Finally, I have one-on-one time with him. The rest of the group has swam away hopefully to drown quietly while I walk barefoot in 2 feet deep water staring at his face, his hair, his smile, his backside, his curiosity of who I have become and who I am now standing before his piercing eyes. The buzz is definitely wearing off. But the adrenaline is strong and high, I inhale one more puff before I say to him, "Are you happy?" He has once again placed his eyes back on me and I can feel his heart throbbing from here, 2 steps away from him. He smiles at me like I am the one who makes him happy but...I'm not. She does and if he mentions her in his answer I will swim into the ocean to never return. I am incapable of rejection at this fine moment. Instead he opens his pink mouth to say to me, "Happy is an illusion and I am fine with living in deception. Do you hear that? Those are howler monkeys...they know you are here." I can't stand still not because I am elated with his scent all over me but because I am drunk. This is not how I wished to meet him for the first time with our clothes on but one drink of liquid courage turned into several and then the ferry boat swept me away. I am drunk but perfect to remember this walk, this conversation forever. "I appreciate that. Personally, I much prefer to live in world of fallacy myself. I do hear the monkeys, they don't bite do they?" He laughs at me, his 18 year old self is laughing at me. I miss him. "Tu shay! Mi Carin, Tu shay!" If I place my hand out to him for holding I will no longer be in control but on his level instead. My hands are trembling.
Dinner has come and gone flawlessly. Everyone returned to their roles and are seated at the table for more drinks and more meaningless conversation. I am here for one thing: Him. I can't stare hard enough because his facial expressions are lost on me. He opens up his mouth and all I hear are these words, "Will you please? Take it from me? I trust no one to have this part of me...will ya?" I blink from seventeen years ago and continue to pretend to care about the last seventeen seconds ago. I can't promise him, or me or her that I can keep up with the charade but I will try my best. My eyes are glazing over the table all I can see are fingers on beer bottles, forks on empty plates, candles lit, uneaten food pushed to one side and bowls with nothing in them but salad dressing residue. He is seated across from me. No one including God and Mother Nature will allow he and I to be seated next to one another. This kind of force makes me want to stand up and yell, "You can't keep us a part. He was inside me for crying out loud! Move over dammit! I must resume the position!" Instead I say this, "I should go to bed. I am...tired?" Being something else for someone is exhausting and I have many more days to continue doing so. He isn't the only one I am here for, there are many others who need my delusion in order to survive this trip. I'm told that it's only 6:00 pm. Could I try to hang for say, another 45 minutes or so? I can I agree. First, I will need another drink to hold me up. Words of all kinds are being tossed in the air, everyone but me is talking and laughing and sipping and singing the praises of life. I am stuck on him but not once do I dare sneak a peek. She has joined us and I now must become her, that woman seperate from the 18 yr old girl. I keep to myself. I am seated in that white plastic chair, there were green ones but I broke one with my childish behavior and fat ass earlier, I am not sitting in white only. I am seated with my hands grapsed around my beer bottle, my hair swaying in the air with the wind, my feet bare of shoes, my dress white of summer, and my thoughts retrieving from that night in the woods long ago. Twice, I believe we did it twice. However, I can't for the life of me remember what his skin smelled like or what his kisses tasted like or even better what promises his penis made to my vagina as it sweet talked it's way in. I miss him then and there is nothing to blame. As my mind walks away from this memory I manage to look up and find his blue eyes staring at my dark, dark brown ones. We have made contact, he and I. He is seated back with his hands above his head folded behind him, red is the color of his shirt and he is staring at me with the same curiosity I have been avoiding staring at him with. I may be drunk but I know my heart and it tells me this, "You both are thinking the same nasty, dirty thought from that evening in the woods at the very same time. It's a sign, not a good one but a sign nonetheless." My body is trembling with dissatisfaction. Why do I have to be her wanting one more brief naked hungry passionate moment with him! My gut hurts. I am breathing heavy and some of the people from the group are looking oddly at me. Dissapproving and judging looks are being thrown my way again. I swallow hard and consistently so not to give myself away all at once. I want what I can't have but already had...HIM. My beer bottle is empty, his smile has faded, her observation is dumbfounded, everyone is speaking loudly to drown out the obvious for my sake and I am..."Yes, tired is what I am. Good night everyone and thank you, for inviting me." He doesn't move as I walk past him but he nods approvingly instead. We are done with this conversation.
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